25 things to make you feel good about being a man!

Satch

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They're so true!


1. OPENING JARS - she's struggling. You take it from her hands, open it effortlessly and pretend she loosened it for you. She didn't. Jars are men's work.

2. CALLING SOMEONE 'SON' - Especially policeman but even saying it to kids makes you the man.

3. DOING A PROPER SLIDE TACKLE - Beckham free kicks - camp. A Stuart Pearce tackle is the pinnacle of the game, simultaneously winning the ball and crippling the man. Magic.

4. SHARPENING A PENCIL WITH A STANLEY KNIFE - Blunt, is it? Hand it here love. No, I don't need a sharpener, you think I can't whittle.

5. GOING TO THE TIP - A manly act which combines driving, lifting and - as you thrillingly drop your rubbish into another huge pile of other rubbish - noisy destruction.

6. DRINKING UP - Specifically, rising from the table, slinging your coat on and downing two thirds of a pint in one fluid movement. Then nodding towards the door, saying, "Let's go" and striding out while everyone else struggles to catch up with you. You're hard.

7. HAVING A THIN BIT OF WOOD - in the shed, solely to stir paint with.

8. HAVING A SCAR - Ideally it'll be a facial knife wound, but even an iron burn on the wrist is good. "Ooh, did it hurt". "Nah".

9. HAVING A HANGOVER AND THICK STUBBLE - When birds have been partying they just whinge. You on the other hand have physical evidence of your hardness, sprouting from your face. "Big night" Grr, what does it look like.

10. NODDING AT COPPERS - A moments eye contact is all it takes for you to share the unspoken bond. "We've not seen eye to eye in the past", it says, "but someone's got to keep the little scrotes in line".

11. USING POWER TOOLS - slightly more powerful than you need or can safely handle. Pneumatic drilling while smoking a fag? Superb.

12. KICKING A FOOTY AGAINST A GARAGE DOOR - Clang-g-g-g-g-g-! Stitch that becks, I kick so hard I set off car alarms.

13. ARRIVING IN A PUB LATE... and everyone cheers you. It doesn't mean you're popular, it just means your mates are pissed. However, the rest of the pub doesn't know that.

14. NOT WATCHING YOUR WEIGHT - fat is a feminist issue, apparently. Brilliant. Pass the pork scratchings.

15. CARVING THE ROAST - and saying "are you a leg or breast man?" to the blokes and "do you want stuffing?" to the women. Congratulations, you are now your dad.

16. WINKING - turns women to putty. Doesn't it?

17. TEST SWINGING HAMMERS - ideally, B&Q would have little changing rooms with mirrors so you could see how rugged you look with any DIY item. Until then, we'll make do with the aisles.

18. TAKING OUT £200 FROM A CASHPOINT - okay, so its for paying the plumber later but with that much cash you feel like a mafia don. The only thing better is peeling notes off the roll later.

19. PHONE CALLS THAT LAST LESS THAN A MINUTE - unlike birds, we get straight to the point. "Alright? Yep. Drink? Red lion? George, it is then. Seven. See ya."

20. PARALLEL PARKING - bosh, straight in. first time. Can Schumacher do that? No, because his cars got no reverse gear which, technically, makes you the worlds best driver.

21. HAVING EARNED THAT PINT - Since the dawn of time, men have toiled in the fields in blistering heat. Why? So, when it's over we can stand there in silence, surveying our work with one hand resting on the beer gut while the other nurses a foaming jug of ale. Aaaah.

22. HAVING SOMETHING PROPERLY WRONG WITH YOU - especially if you didn't make a fuss. "Why was I off, nothing much, just a brain haemorrhage".

23. KNOWING WHICH SCREWDRIVER IS WHICH - "a Phillips? For that? Are you mad, bint?"

24. TAKING A NEWSPAPER INTO THE LOO - a visual code that says that's right, I'm going in there for a huge, long man-sized *text deleted**text deleted*e.

25. CALLING YOUR MATE A *text deleted* - and punching him on the shoulder. Just a man's way of saying "you're a good mate, I missed you while you were in hospital".

Taken from http://www.funny.co.uk
 

Seedytucker

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*text deleted*, *text deleted* ay. although i have to say having taught the mrs that "banging the lid against a top/wall to break the seal on the really tricky ones" trick, number 1 is slipping away from me these days :cry:
 

rusty92

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*text deleted*, Most of them are so damn true!. :laugh:

Sam
 

R. M. Pitt

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ideally, B&Q would have little changing rooms with mirrors so you could see how rugged you look with any DIY item.

:iagree: What a good idea *text deleted*

good find
 

jczopczyc123

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25. CALLING YOUR MATE A *text deleted* - and punching him on the shoulder. Just a man's way of saying "you're a good mate, I missed you while you were in hospital".

Oh my god tht bit was really funny!! nearly just pi#sed mesen!
 

FletchPRMC

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They're so true!


1. OPENING JARS - she's struggling. You take it from her hands, open it effortlessly and pretend she loosened it for you. She didn't. Jars are men's work.

2. CALLING SOMEONE 'SON' - Especially policeman but even saying it to kids makes you the man.


6. DRINKING UP - Specifically, rising from the table, slinging your coat on and downing two thirds of a pint in one fluid movement. Then nodding towards the door, saying, "Let's go" and striding out while everyone else struggles to catch up with you. You're hard.


8. HAVING A SCAR - Ideally it'll be a facial knife wound, but even an iron burn on the wrist is good. "Ooh, did it hurt". "Nah".

9. HAVING A HANGOVER AND THICK STUBBLE - When birds have been partying they just whinge. You on the other hand have physical evidence of your hardness, sprouting from your face. "Big night" Grr, what does it look like.


16. WINKING - turns women to putty. Doesn't it?


18. TAKING OUT £200 FROM A CASHPOINT - okay, so its for paying the plumber later but with that much cash you feel like a mafia don. The only thing better is peeling notes off the roll later.

19. PHONE CALLS THAT LAST LESS THAN A MINUTE - unlike birds, we get straight to the point. "Alright? Yep. Drink? Red lion? George, it is then. Seven. See ya."

20. PARALLEL PARKING - bosh, straight in. first time. Can Schumacher do that? No, because his cars got no reverse gear which, technically, makes you the worlds best driver.

21. HAVING EARNED THAT PINT - Since the dawn of time, men have toiled in the fields in blistering heat. Why? So, when it's over we can stand there in silence, surveying our work with one hand resting on the beer gut while the other nurses a foaming jug of ale. Aaaah.


24. TAKING A NEWSPAPER INTO THE LOO - a visual code that says that's right, I'm going in there for a huge, long man-sized *text deleted**text deleted*e.


Taken from http://www.funny.co.uk


Ive done all of the above today and last night.... I feel *text deleted**text deleted*ing manly.
 

Mitts

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Drinking up, hahaha *text deleted**text deleted** hilarious!! loved that one
 

Newguy2011

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And of course looking contemplatively at technical problems whether or not you understand them.
 

Ross154

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These forums standards are slipping. All but the last post have asterisks in them! :blink:
 

Illustrious

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To be fair, the forum bleeps out any slang, not just swear words and 'I have' (shortened to *text deleted**) is blocked out. However, I might have a smally problem with swearing, just a part of life now I suppose.
 

Ross154

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To be fair, the forum bleeps out any slang, not just swear words and 'I have' (shortened to *text deleted**) is blocked out. However, I might have a smally problem with swearing, just a part of life now I suppose.
That's what I mean. I know most of the above aren't swear words that are filtered, but text speak. Stop using text speak people! It's hard to work out what " *text deleted** " means when it reads exactly the same as " *text deleted** " which could be something completely different but is changed to asterisks so looks exactly the same.
 

DPS

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That's what I mean. I know most of the above aren't swear words that are filtered, but text speak. Stop using text speak people! It's hard to work out what " *text deleted** " means when it reads exactly the same as " *text deleted** " which could be something completely different but is changed to asterisks so looks exactly the same.

You noticed the dates on the first few posts Ross? :blink1: If anything, standards improved?
 

Ross154

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You noticed the dates on the first few posts Ross? :blink1: If anything, standards improved?
Oh! Hadn't noticed them no :embarrest:. Agreed, the standards have improved massively since then!
 

calger14

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Awesome list. So many of those remind you of things you've done :laugh:
 
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