am i being selfish on family

Freddy

Member
Joined
Apr 7, 2018
Posts
14
Reaction score
6
Hi been wanting to start my app for a while now fitness is good one thing holding me back is my kids are still young and girlfriend will probably leave me if i join up, do you think i would be being unfair in doing so? I was thinking i would be setting a good example to them and they would grow up being proud of that but instead i am thinking would i just be a deadbeat for not being around as much, its what ive wanted to do for ages now but now think i could be being very selfish? Anyone had any similar experiences ?
 

Illustrious

Royal Marines Commando - Moderator
Joined
May 13, 2008
Posts
2,364
Reaction score
2,525
There's no one size fits all answer to your question unfortunately, but with my own experiences, if she's threatening to leave you then she's scared about something.

It's up to you to explain to her what it means in the long term; steady career, opportunities to gain civvie qualifications, well paid for the most part.

Time away is a harsh reality, but she needn't face it alone. If you're married and you get married quarters, there will be family events and groups for her to attend which will be filled with others in her exact shoes.
 

Ninja_Stoker

Admin
Joined
Jul 10, 2007
Posts
35,344
Reaction score
17,457
You have to be quite inward-looking to fully commit and achieve your aspiration.

Question is, at what personal cost?

Morally, those with a dependent family are at a disadvantage compared to single, unattached individuals...particularly if they have a decent civilian income and intend taking a significant pay drop upon entry.

The solution? One way is to join the RMR, continue earning a decent wage, augmented by the RMR. See if you and your family can commit enough to complete training whilst maintaining the life/family balance.

If you can complete RMR training and your family are adequately conditioned to a series of absences, you can then discuss with your family whether joining full time is a viable option.
 

Chelonian

Moderator
Joined
Aug 10, 2010
Posts
11,410
Reaction score
14,051
...and girlfriend will probably leave me if i join up,

Just to add to the comment by Illustrious, as a major stakeholder in your partnership she too must make an informed decision about the future.

Perhaps suggest that she join the Partner & Parent sub-forum here? She will find other women—some in very similar circumstances—who have the same concerns and doubts as she does. There isn't any propaganda on the forum but there is a lot of honest information and support. A very friendly bunch too.
 

Ninja_Stoker

Admin
Joined
Jul 10, 2007
Posts
35,344
Reaction score
17,457
The main consideration is your kids, even if you are willing to split from your partner or are possibly intending to split with your partner & using a career aspiration as the excuse or catalyst.

Questions you should really ask yourself is what reasons were there before your children were born for not joining? Why is it more important now? Are you joining to escape or absolve your responsibilities? Harsh questions, but no less important than sacrificing a relationship.
 

Geespt

Royal Marines Commando
Joined
May 22, 2018
Posts
177
Reaction score
220
I am in a very similar situation... i live with my girlfriend and we have an 8 month old son, at first she was supportive but as i’ve progressed through the application process and it’s become more real for her and she’s become very unsupportive and openly admitted she now hates the idea. Even when i got my PRMC invite through all i got from her was “dont talk to me about it”.

I’ve tried to explain to her that a career in the RM is a secure job, good wage and more importantly it’ll provide me with a future and future prospects that i don’t have now working 2 jobs on minimum wage to get by.

Despite her opinion i’ve told her i will carry on and try my best to get into the RM, i think her biggest worry is not being able to see me as much as what she does now, especially in the 32 weeks training. I’ve been accused of just thinking of myself and being selfish however my intentions are very much the opposite and this choice is to support myself and my family and for our future.

End of the day if your intentions are good they will understand one day and yes they’ll be upset but like @Chelonian said theres support everywhere for partners/parents. I just think they don’t quite understand how much this thing means to some of us however you just have to explain to them as best as you can and if they can’t understand, then sometimes maybe thinking of yourself isn’t such a bad thing... You’ll only regret never trying if you don’t.

I know if i start training she’ll more than likely leave me, however i just have to bite the bullet and crack on. Unfortunatly for our son he has no say, but i’ve told her it’s her decision if she does or not and if she does then is she really the one for me at the end of the day. I will try my best for my son and for the RM, if thats not enough for her then you loose some you win some, not the end of the world.

Anyway, good luck with everything! Whatever you decide to do make sure you don’t regret it in the future!
 

Chelonian

Moderator
Joined
Aug 10, 2010
Posts
11,410
Reaction score
14,051
There's no easy answer. Individual circumstances vary. A woman at home with a very young child and with little or limited family support might regard thirty-two weeks of separation as being a deal breaker.

Empathy can be uncomfortable. Imagine if someone's missus handed over a six-month-old infant to her bloke because she was about to begin her Royal Navy RT and then deploy at sea for a further six months to follow her dream.

If he spots this thread @aliB might be able to comment on the practical issues with starting and completing RT with a young family at home.
 

m2013

Venerated Contributor
Joined
Aug 27, 2013
Posts
2,295
Reaction score
937
Once you get training out the way its loads easirr for family life.
I see my kids every day unless im on exercise. There are loads of pad wife groups if your misses is into that

It is hard at times but im usually given support where i need it for doctor appointments and anything really.

Its hard at first and adds a whole new dimension to make training harder than your mates who dont have kids. Sounds harsh but you get used to been away from them and it gets easier

I look at it as i know my rent and bills are sorted and have job security so i know my family is always going to cope
 
D

dodgyknees

Guest
@Freddy - I may have missed it, but what are her objections specifically? Is it just a fear of the unknown, separation, anti-military bias, worried about you on deployments...? Rather than a blanket 'if you join I'll leave you', try and understand what the underlying issue is and address that. In my experience (with Phase 1 soldiers) it is almost always a lack of education as to what you about to undertake that is the problem.

Is there a support system in place (mum, sisters etc) that can help with the children and provide moral support while you go through training? Once you are serving, the military is good at taking families under their wing, it is the initial 8 months that is the issue. During that time, you will have two block leave periods and some weekends to see them so they will not be completely cut off.

You have to talk through the pros and cons with your girlfriend; as @Chelonian says above empathy is really important here. Listen to her worries carefully and try and see what you can do to allay them; if you can't then a tough decision awaits.

You are not a deadbeat...there is nothing wrong with trying to better yourself.
 

R

Royal Marines Commando
Joined
Jan 20, 2008
Posts
1,830
Reaction score
1,102
Hi been wanting to start my app for a while now fitness is good one thing holding me back is my kids are still young and girlfriend will probably leave me if i join up, do you think i would be being unfair in doing so? I was thinking i would be setting a good example to them and they would grow up being proud of that but instead i am thinking would i just be a deadbeat for not being around as much, its what ive wanted to do for ages now but now think i could be being very selfish? Anyone had any similar experiences ?

The big question here is what sort of support network is in place for your partner and children while you are away for 32 weeks min, then again when your working away once passed out.

Having lived through this with a young child at home I would be hesitant to do it again and I had a completely supportive partner of my decision to join. I saw many ranks in training leave due to welfare pressures. Unless your family unit is 100% behind you and can operate without your support while you are away then RMR is the ONLY route you should be considering for success.

Good luck whatever path you choose!
 

Freddy

Member
Joined
Apr 7, 2018
Posts
14
Reaction score
6
I am in a very similar situation... i live with my girlfriend and we have an 8 month old son, at first she was supportive but as i’ve progressed through the application process and it’s become more real for her and she’s become very unsupportive and openly admitted she now hates the idea. Even when i got my PRMC invite through all i got from her was “dont talk to me about it”.

I’ve tried to explain to her that a career in the RM is a secure job, good wage and more importantly it’ll provide me with a future and future prospects that i don’t have now working 2 jobs on minimum wage to get by.

Despite her opinion i’ve told her i will carry on and try my best to get into the RM, i think her biggest worry is not being able to see me as much as what she does now, especially in the 32 weeks training. I’ve been accused of just thinking of myself and being selfish however my intentions are very much the opposite and this choice is to support myself and my family and for our future.

End of the day if your intentions are good they will understand one day and yes they’ll be upset but like @Chelonian said theres support everywhere for partners/parents. I just think they don’t quite understand how much this thing means to some of us however you just have to explain to them as best as you can and if they can’t understand, then sometimes maybe thinking of yourself isn’t such a bad thing... You’ll only regret never trying if you don’t.

I know if i start training she’ll more than likely leave me, however i just have to bite the bullet and crack on. Unfortunatly for our son he has no say, but i’ve told her it’s her decision if she does or not and if she does then is she really the one for me at the end of the day. I will try my best for my son and for the RM, if thats not enough for her then you loose some you win some, not the end of the world.

Anyway, good luck with everything! Whatever you decide to do make sure you don’t regret it in the future!


This sounds like my exact situation even down to the 8 month baby too, i already know i am going to be going ahead with it but just wanted to see others opinions,
Thanks for you time and good luck
 

Freddy

Member
Joined
Apr 7, 2018
Posts
14
Reaction score
6
@Freddy - I may have missed it, but what are her objections specifically? Is it just a fear of the unknown, separation, anti-military bias, worried about you on deployments...? Rather than a blanket 'if you join I'll leave you', try and understand what the underlying issue is and address that. In my experience (with Phase 1 soldiers) it is almost always a lack of education as to what you about to undertake that is the problem.

Is there a support system in place (mum, sisters etc) that can help with the children and provide moral support while you go through training? Once you are serving, the military is good at taking families under their wing, it is the initial 8 months that is the issue. During that time, you will have two block leave periods and some weekends to see them so they will not be completely cut off.

You have to talk through the pros and cons with your girlfriend; as @Chelonian says above empathy is really important here. Listen to her worries carefully and try and see what you can do to allay them; if you can't then a tough decision awaits.

You are not a deadbeat...there is nothing wrong with trying to better yourself.



Its is more the separation and having to bring up the kids without me around everyday and she is very anti military towards it all thinks its all pathetic and i should grow up *text deleted*, she has been brought up in a very different lifestyle to mine where money is the be all and end all if your not making alot of money then whats the point attitude, i know im going to go ahead with it all just wanted to hear any other similar situations and opinions, thanks alot
 

Wings

Venerated Contributor
Joined
Nov 3, 2014
Posts
1,207
Reaction score
1,133
Hi been wanting to start my app for a while now fitness is good one thing holding me back is my kids are still young and girlfriend will probably leave me if i join up, do you think i would be being unfair in doing so? I was thinking i would be setting a good example to them and they would grow up being proud of that but instead i am thinking would i just be a deadbeat for not being around as much, its what ive wanted to do for ages now but now think i could be being very selfish? Anyone had any similar experiences ?


I had this debate with my mind am I being selfish on my family my child by making it harder for my partner and my child may miss me. Ive known a few lads whos gf say theyd leave them if they join but they never seem to because they realise they are being selfish themselves. I personaly dont think its selfish as I wanted to do paras before I found out about my kid my mrs supported me through it but she would rather i did a different job I mean who would want their partner in a scary job? You shouldnt feel selfish youll still love them both youll still provide or if not provide a better life and the welfare side of family help and support is better than any civvie street job can give
 

R

Royal Marines Commando
Joined
Jan 20, 2008
Posts
1,830
Reaction score
1,102
I think you started this thread looking for validation of your decision dispite your partners objections. Might be worth googling how much the CSA are going to garnish your wage now. :D
 

Latest posts

New Threads

Top