Valuable Contributor
Apr 22, 2008
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For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how true this is.
actually have a Chili Cook-off about the time Halloween comes around.
It takes up a major portion of the parking lot at the city park.

The notes are from an inexperienced Chili taster named Frank, who was
visiting from Canada. Frank: Recently, I was honored to be selected
as a judge at a chilli cook-off. The original person called in sick at
the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table
;asking for directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came

I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chilli
wouldn't be all that spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free
beer during the tasting, so I accepted .

Here are the scorecards from the advent: (Frank is Judge #3)

Chili # 1 Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili
Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
Judge # 3 -- (Frank) Holy *text deleted**text deleted* , what the hell is this stuff? You
Could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put
flames out. I hope that' s the worst one. These Texans are crazy.
~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Chili # 2 Arthur's Afterburner Chili
Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken
Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure
What I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people
wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more
beer when they saw the look on my face.

Chili # 3 Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~
Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick. Needs more beans.
Judge # 2 -- A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers.
Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose
Feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by
now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back,
now my
backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting s*text deleted*t- faced from
all of the beer.

Chili # 4 Bubba's Black Magic
Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish
or other mild foods, not much of a chili..
Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was
Unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the
barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-lb bitch is
starting to look HOT...just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili
an aphrodisiac?

Chili # 5 Linda's Legal Lip Remover
Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground,
adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must
admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead
And I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me
needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her
chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding
by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning
my lips off. It really *text deleted**text deleted*es me off that the other judges asked me to
stop screaming. Screw those rednecks.

Chili # 6 Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety
Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of
Spices and peppers.
Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and
Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with
Gaseous sulphuric flames. I *text deleted**text deleted* myself when I farted and I'm worried it
will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me
Except that Sally. She must be kinkier than I thought. Can't feel my
lips anymore. I need to wipe my *text deleted**text deleted**text deleted*with a snow cone.

Chili # 7 Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili
Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned
Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can
Of chilli peppers at the last moment. *text deleted*I should take note that I am
worried about Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he
is cursing uncontrollably.
Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I
wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world
sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili
which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava like
*text deleted**text deleted* to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed
me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful. Screw it; I'm not
getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in
through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.

Chili # 8 Tommy's Toe-Nail Curling Chili
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~
Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too
bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balance chili. Neither mild
nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted,
passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself.
Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor fella, wonder how he'd have
reacted to really hot chili!


Well-Known Member
Jul 20, 2008
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That has to be the best i have ever seen. I was laughing uncontrolably!


Veteran Contributor
Feb 5, 2008
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hahaha that made me laugh quite a bit

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