First effort!

Ninja_Stoker

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The Ferrari Formula One team fired their entire pit crew yesterday.

This announcement followed Ferrari's decision to take advantage of the British Government's "Work for the Dole" scheme to employ some Liverpudlian youngsters.

The decision to hire them was brought about by a recent documentary on how unemployed youths from Toxteth were able to remove a set of wheels in less than six seconds without proper equipment, whereas Ferrari's existing crew could only do it in eight seconds with millions of pounds worth of high tech equipment.
It was thought to be an excellent and bold move by the Ferrari management team as most races are won or lost in the pits. This move would give Ferrari an advantage over every other team.
However - Ferrari got more than they bargained for!


At the new crew's first practice session, not only was the scouse crew able to change all four wheels in under six seconds, but within twelve seconds they had re-sprayed, re-badged and sold the car to the McLaren team for ten cases of Stella, a bag of weed and some photos of David Coulthard's bird in the shower.








(Before anyone objects- I'm from Liverpool originally!)
 

Satch

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*text deleted*! Nice one Ninja!

That reminds me of a story my Dad told me - he was in Liverpool a few years ago and said he walked past a market stall selling hubcaps!
 

Ninja_Stoker

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Or....

An elderly Stoker lay dying in his bed.

While suffering the agonies of impending death, he suddenly smelled the aroma of Pussers Rum wafting up the stairs.

He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed. Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort, gripping the railing with both hands, he crawled downstairs.
With laboured breath, he leaned against the doorframe, gazing into the kitchen. Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven, for there, sitting on the table was a bottle of Pussers Rum. Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of love from his devoted wife of sixty years, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?

Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself towards the table, landing on his knees in a rumpled posture. His parched lips parted, he could almost taste the tot before it was in his mouth, seemingly bringing him back to life. The aged and withered hand trembled on its way to the glass at the edge of the table, when his hand was suddenly smacked with a spatula by His wife . .
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"Sod off " she said, "That’s for the funeral"
 

Ashley

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Ahahaha, 2 great jokes, never heard either of them before! Good Effort Ninja.
 

Ninja_Stoker

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Or...

Got a text message last friday, doubtless it's circled the globe since, but it amused me:

There's a new machine in the Fitness First gymnasiums which is brilliant. I had to stop after 40 minutes as I was starting to feel sick.

It does everything: Mars, Twix, KitKat, Curly Wurly....

 

chelseafc

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here's one for u

2 guys called mark an ste are walkin down a street when ste see's an arab on the other side of the road, he crosses over an starts beatin the crap out of him then come back over to mark than he askes ste why he did that an ste replys 'i hate arab i can't stand them' then mark comes up with an idea that they should join the foreign legion... some time later when they have joined they r in saudi arabia an the corporal is askin why they have joined the foreign leagion an he comes to ste an he askes him the question an he replys 'i hate arabs i can't stand' the an the corporal says 'say no more i understand' an as he's about to move on they hear 'arabs on the harrizon' the a few seconds later a gun shot an the guard fall out the watch tower an as the corporal turns round he see's ste holdin he rifle he askes him why he did that an ste say's 'if there is one thing i hate more than an arab it's a grass'
 

Nod 88

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joke

Little tommy lives on a farm. One day his mother is having lunch with a friend when tommy bursts through the door and starts shouting ' mummy,mummy the bull is fu*text deleted*ing the cow!' 'Tommy you must not be rude, you say the bullis suprizing the cow.' says his mother.
Later that day tommy bursts through the door and screams 'mummy mummy! the bullis suprizing all the cows!' 'He cant suprize all the cows' his mother says slightly puzzled. 'But mummy he is, he's fu*text deleted*ing the horse!':applaus:
 

Bish

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Drunk fella walks into a pub. Goes over to a gang of lads and says 'ive shagged your mum'. They ignore him and carry on drinking.

'And ive bummed her!'. The lads carry on drinking.

'Shes sucked me off aswell!!'. One of the lads has had enough stands up and shouts 'dad go home your pissed'.
 

crackhour

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Two royal marines walking in Iraq,

Suddenly they see an iraqi walking on the other side of the road,
One marine turns to the other and says "Is'nt it curfew night tonight"?
"yeah" says the other, "it starts at 9 0'clock"
"what time is it now"? says the first,
"quarter to" he replies..

The first marine lifts his rifle and shoots the iraqi in the head!

"woah, what you doing? why did you do that???
He replies, "I know where that fukker lives, he'd never have made it home in time".
 

goldenboyz

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heres one

Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was
really pissed.

She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the
driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!"

The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke
up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box
gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.

Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought
the box back in the house.

She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Bob has been missing since Friday.

haha this is quality
 
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