I'm anxious, and I'm out

Discussion in 'POC Section' started by VerlorenHoop, Nov 15, 2016.

  1. VerlorenHoop

    VerlorenHoop Member

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    It is Tuesday, my dudes.

    Erm, it turns out I have some - really quite bad - issues with anxiety and generally poor mental health/non-existent self esteem. This is the sort of thing which would probably not be a great asset through training, if I was even allowed to progress past the medical which is increasingly unlikely, so it looks like today is the day the sun finally sets on my ambition of joining the RM as an officer.

    I had hoped up to this point to aim for 2017 entry, as I turn 25 early next year. However, given that finding my shoes yesterday morning caused me a very mild panic attack (they weren't where I left them, you see - very stressful), that's probably not a realistic goal at this stage.

    I don't ask for your pity (well, a bit would be nice) but I do want you to take two things away from this:

    1. I'm totally and utterly hacked off, disappointed, angry at myself and everyone around me about how this has turned out and how I haven't just sorted myself out and got it done. Don't let that happen to you. If you're staring deadlines in the face in the application pipeline, remember that it can and does go wrong for many applicants. That disappointment will be real and painful. If you want this, make it happen. Then let me be your friend and tell me all about it.
    2. Perhaps more relevantly, if you are putting yourself under pressure, if you feel like you might be struggling on a mental health basis, for god's sake talk to someone. I say this because it's mostly men on here, and men are terrible about talking about their problems and feelings. Particularly men who compete with other men to be the fastest and strongest. I'm looking at you guys.
    I may be back in a couple of years going for OR, but honestly at this stage I think I have to retreat and fix myself before doing anything particularly interesting. Best of luck to everyone else.

    Cheers Lads
    --Frank

    PS: Forum has been largely great and I'm glad it's continuing for now, really good resource. Make the most of it (and make the most of the Search bar!)
     
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  2. TheFTC

    TheFTC New Member

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    Sorry to hear that mate,
    All the best for the future!
     
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  3. Ninja_Stoker

    Ninja_Stoker Careers Adviser

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    Rest assured there is no shame when it comes to addressing mental health issues. Blokes are traditionally rubbish at addressing any health issues, but particularly in this area.

    First step - Identify the problem. (Tick)
    Second step - Address the problem. (Tick)
    Third step - Crack on. (In progress).

    You're just one step away. Good luck, many haven't got to the two-thirds point.
     
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  4. VerlorenHoop

    VerlorenHoop Member

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    I like this model. I've also had the "conscious incompetence" one thrown at me:

    • Unconscious incompetence - you don't know what you don't know
    • Conscious incompetence - you know what you don't know, and you have to watch yourself continue to not know
    • Conscious competence - you know more, but everything is a conscious effort
    • Unconscious competence - you're a natural
    I'm currently on point 2 there, as well.

    Thanks for kind words.
     
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  5. A350-800

    A350-800 Member

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    Hello :)

    Thankyou very much for this post and for sharing your experiences, it really struck a cord with exactly how I feel and your anxiety experiences directly tallied with my own.

    I am sorry to hear your self esteem is very low and that you suffer from panic attacks; I myself experience this regularly and often question to myself whether I am an appropriate candidate for the armed forces. Your shoe experience reminded me so many times of incidences where I have panicked about things; I have suffered from anxiety and lack of confidence since a difficult family situation and bullying, and it has really come to a head this year. My original comping mechanisms were to train for running and revise for my exams as hard as I possibly could in order to block everything out, but unfortunately this was becoming unsustainable, where I would panic if someone asked me to take a day off to attend a party or if I missed a bus or lost a book consuming precious time for revision. This sounds from another outside perspective (and indeed was) in hindsight pretty ridiculous, but at the time it was quite scary. This was manageable up to a point but I sustained a knee and foot injury in February which I am still battling and is causing me significant depression, and everything completely collapsed in on itself. I think confidence is so important because if I was more confident in my abilities to start off with I probably wouldn't have worked myself into this giant hole. I am in the same position as you, and have retreated and cut down a lot of responsibilities including all my a levels and revision in order to sort myself out both physically and mentally.

    I really hope you manage to achieve your dream or joining the marines, deep down you deserve it and though it is something that requires confidence and a sense of self assuredness, so does almost any other job or application/major situation in life, and few are as apparently rewarding as being a marine and fulfilling your ambition. Good luck and I hope you stick around on this forum :) Thanks
     
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  6. Rover

    Rover Moderator

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    never-give-up.jpg
     
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  7. Chelonian

    Chelonian Well-Known Member

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    As Ninja stated, you've identified a problem and accepted that life can be easier if that problem is addressed rather than ignored. Those factors hugely increase your chances of 'fixing' the problem.

    Very best wishes for the future and as alluded to by others, please don't fall off the forum altogether. Your comments make a positive contribution to the forum.
     
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  8. VerlorenHoop

    VerlorenHoop Member

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    Cheers. However I'm very immature so I suspect that seeing all these bright young things achieving highly all the time would make me have some very uncharitable thoughts...

    As I say, perhaps I'll pop up in a number of months as "guy who is really very good at researching things but apparently doesn't like running"
     
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  9. Chelonian

    Chelonian Well-Known Member

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    Well, I won't debate the point further but a sense of self awareness—which you clearly have—is generally regarded as being an accurate indicator of emotional maturity. :)
     
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  10. VerlorenHoop

    VerlorenHoop Member

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    By way of a tiny update, the GP said today that I am "moderately to severely depressed" and prescribed SSRIs on the spot.

    It was the easiest thing in the world in the end, and I will re-iterate that everyone who feels the need should go and get checked out.
     
  11. ThreadpigeonsAlpha

    ThreadpigeonsAlpha Royal Marines Commando

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    Spot on.

    Some of the strongest lads I know, topped themselves because of mental health issues.

    There's no shame. And your mental fitness is as important as your physical. The fuel that enters the mind is as important as the fuel that enters the body.

    Commando qualities don't suddenly appear when you pass out, you don't draw them from stores in kings squad. They are in you no matter what you do, how you do it and with whomever may be with you.

    You had the guts to try. That's more than some will ever do. Live and learn mate. There's plenty of challenges in life for you to tackle.

    Before you start taking any medication. Think hard, are you sure you are depressed and not grieving? Be careful with medication, it's a stepping stone not a cure. Keep your phys up, keep your mind focused. And keep setting goals. Just because you don't have a green lid on your head, doesn't mean you don't have the qualities within it.
     
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  12. VerlorenHoop

    VerlorenHoop Member

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    Yeah my mum's been on the happy pills for long term periods so I appreciate they're not a catch-all. I'm investigating all the options at the moment and I'm on a bad trajectory. I have grieved, but not recently, and the sudden downturn in the last couple of months can't be explained away by that. Possible that I just hate my job!

    Thanks for the advice anyhow. Truth be told, I'm not sure these qualities have really been in me in a big way, and I've not been going the right way about developing them, so maybe this wasn't going to happen for me anyway in the long run. Still, it's something I think I wanted, so it sucks. Might just sod off and write for RUSI about how I know much better than the guys doing the actual job.
     
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  13. ThreadpigeonsAlpha

    ThreadpigeonsAlpha Royal Marines Commando

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    Make sure you get the docter to be certain. Make sure you are sure and it's not just feeling down.

    Feeling down and depression are seperate things.
    If you hate your job, can you move jobs? Can you do anything to change the rut you are in and prove to yourself it's not depression?

    Mate, doubts are natural. And are good but you have to control them. You can't just give up. You have to go down swinging. Your down but not out.
     
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  14. VerlorenHoop

    VerlorenHoop Member

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    I've been down or down-ish pretty consistently for about 5-6 years and I've never really had any self esteem or effective coping strategies. In the interest of full disclosure, things have always been pretty easy for me, and real life just hasn't been what I thought it would be.

    Not that I would previously have said any of this on the forum!

    Edit: to be clear, I'm not trying to be unpleasant about this. I'm taking steps after due consideration and deciding that I cannot continue living in the way that I currently am. Drugs are not the only thing I'll be using, but the doctor recommended a course of action and it seemed sensible to me. Sorry if I was unclear.

    Edit again: I'm going to stop typing; I've done nothing but vent today and that's not productive. This thread turned into a pity-party!
     
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    Last edited: Nov 18, 2016
  15. ThreadpigeonsAlpha

    ThreadpigeonsAlpha Royal Marines Commando

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    No worries mate. Just concerned for you. I trust you have thought hard about it.

    And I wish you well in future endeavers. Make sure you stick to the Commando Qualities no matter what you do in life. At least take that away from your experience here.
     
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  16. VerlorenHoop

    VerlorenHoop Member

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    I think that's something we can all agree on. Many thanks.
     
  17. Chelonian

    Chelonian Well-Known Member

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    That's you and me both then, mate. :)

    As alluded to by TPA above, it might be helpful to proactively manage your current difficulties. Perhaps by asking your medical team "Why?" for every diagnosis and prescription. Become a subject matter expert on the clinical aspects of your medical file. Once again, best wishes for the future.
     

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