Letters, Signs and Notices ...

Charlie

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here you go , the longest post in the world , but it contains actual letters to the department of health social security at the start, and then goes on to some signs and peoples attempts to translate signs/notices from their own language into English , Enjoy !

Actual letters to the Department of Health and Social Security.

Would you please repair our toilet. My son pulled the chain and the

Box fell on his head.



Mrs. Smith has no clothes and has had none for over a year. The clergy

have been visiting her.............



In reply to your letter, I have already cohabited with your officer

with no results so far.



I am pleased to inform you that my husband who was reported missing,

Is dead.



Mrs. Adams has asked me to collect her money as she is going in to

hospital to have her overtures out.



Sir, I am forwarding my marriage certificate and two children - one of

which is a mistake as you will see.



My husband is diabetic and has to take insolence regular but he finds

he is lethargic to it.



Unless I get my husbands maintenance money soon I shall be obliged to

live an immortal life.



The children have been off school because there is a lot of measles

Out and I had them humanised.



Please forward my money at once as I have fallen into errors with my

landlord and milkman.



You have changed my little boy into a little girl. Will this matter?



Mrs Brown only THINKS she's ill, but believe me she is nothing but a

hypodermic.



In accordance with your instructions I have given birth to twins in

The enclosed envelope.



I want my sick pay quick. I have been in bed under the doctor for a

week and he is doing me no good. If things don't improve I shall get

another doctor.



I do not get any money from my son. He is in the army and his regiment

is at present manuring on Salisbury plain.



Re your dental enquiry. The teeth on top are alright but those on my

bottom are hurting dreadfully.



I am very annoyed to find you have branded my son illiterate. This

is a lie as I married his father a week before he was born.



I am sorry I omitted to put down all my children's names. This was due

to contraceptional circumstances.



I wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle very badly when he

Put his foot in the hole in his back passage.


Signs and Notices (translations and generally stupid signs : )

TOILET OUT OF ORDER. PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW



In a Laundromat:

AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT



In a London department store:

BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS



In an office:

WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN



In an office:

AFTER TEA BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD



Outside a secondhand shop:

WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES, ETC. WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?



Notice in health food shop window:

CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS



Spotted in a safari park:

ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR



Seen during a conference:

FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE 1ST FLOOR



Notice in a farmer's field:

THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES.



Message on a leaflet:

IF YOU CANNOT READ, THIS LEAFLET WILL TELL YOU HOW TO GET LESSONS



On a repair shop door:

WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR - THE BELL DOESN'T WORK)



Outside a dress shop, Hong Kong:
Ladies have fits upstairs.

An advertisement by a Hong Kong dentist:
Teeth extracted by the latest Methodists.

In a Tokyo shop:
Our nylons cost more than common, but you'll find they are the best in the long run.

Information booklet about using a hotel air conditioner, Japan:
Cooles and heates: if you want just condition of warm air in your room, please control yourself.

Car rental brochure, Tokyo:
When passenger of foot heave in sight, tootle the horn. Trumpet him melodiously at first, but if he still obstacles your passage then tootle him with vigor.

Detour sign in Kyushi, Japan:
Stop. Drive sideways.

Dry cleaner's, Bangkok:
Drop your trousers here for the best results.

Hotel catering to skiers, Austria:
Not to perambulate the corridors in the hours of repose in the boots of ascension.

Hotel, Vienna:
Case of fire, do your utmost to alarm the hotel porter.

Hotel in Romania: Posters on all toilets
Higiene gurarantee.

Translation Bureau in Bucharest, big billboard:
Legalised Translations!

Hotel elevator, Paris:
Please leave your values at the front desk.

Hotel, Athens:
Visitors are expected to complain at the office between the hours of 9 and 11 am daily.

Tailor shop, Rhodes:
Order your summers suit. Because is big rush, we will execute customers in strict rotation.

Hotel brochure, Italy:
This hotel is renowned for its peace and solitude. In fact, crowds from all over the world flock here to enjoy its solitude.

Hotel lobby, Bucharest:
The lift is being fixed for the next day. During that time we regret that you will be unbearable.

In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a Russian Orthodox monastery:
You are welcome to visit the cemetery where famous russian and soviet composers, artists, and writers are buried daily except thursday.

From the "Soviet Weekly":
There will be a Moscow exhibition of arts by 15,000 soviet republic painters and sculptors. These were executed over the past two years.

Airline ticket office, Copenhagen:
We take your bags and send them in all directions.

Cocktail lounge, Norway:
Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar.

Hotel elevator, Belgrade:
To move the cabin, push button for wishing floor. If the cabin should enter more persons, each one should press a number of wishing floor. Driving is then going alphabetically by national order.

In a Swiss mountain inn:
Special today - no ice-cream.
 
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