Naval Life

Ninja_Stoker

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For those of you about to join the Royal Marines or who are already serving but have yet to serve on a warship...

Here's how to experience the atmosphere and simulate living on board ship, for those with former Naval service, it will bring it all back.

Build a shelf in the top of your wardrobe and sleep on it inside a small sleeping bag.

Remove the wardrobe door and replace it with a curtain that is too small.

Wash your underwear every night in a bucket then hang it over the water pipes to dry.

Four hours after you go to bed have your wife whip open the curtains, shine a torch in your eyes and say 'sorry mate'.

Renovate your bathroom; Build a wall across the centre of your bath and move the shower head to chest level. Store beer barrels in the shower enclosure.

When you shower remember to shout at the top of your voice 'Turnin' On'
when turning the shower on and 'Turnin' Off' when turning the shower off.

Every time there is a thunderstorm, sit in a wobbly chair and rock as hard as you can until you feel sick.

Put oil instead of water into the dehumidifier then set it to high.

Don't watch TV, except for movies in the middle of the night. For added realism, have your family vote for which movie they want to see, and then select a different one.

Leave a lawn mower running in your living room 24 hours a day to recreate the proper noise levels. (Mandatory for stokers)

Have the paper boy cut your hair.

Once-a-week blow compressed air up through your chimney. Ensure the wind carries soot over your neighbour's house. When he complains, laugh at him.

Buy a rubbish compactor and use it once a week. Store the rubbish on the other side of your bathroom.

Wake up at midnight and make a sandwich out of anything you can find, preferably using stale bread, Optional: Cold soup or ravioli out of a can.
Devise menus for your family a week in advance without looking in the pantry or fridge.

Set your alarm clock to go off at random times during the night; when it goes off, leap out of bed, dress as quick as you can, then run into the garden and break out the garden hose and spray anything that looks like it could catch fire.

Once a month take every household appliance completely apart, and then reassemble.

Use four spoons of coffee per cup, and allow it to sit for three hours before drinking.

Invite 85 people you don't like to come and stay for a month.

Install a small fluorescent light under your coffee table then lay underneath it and read books.

Raise the threshold and lower the top sills of all doors in the house. Now you will always bang your shins or hit your head when passing through them.

When baking cakes, prop up one side of the tin whilst its in the oven.
When it has cooled spread icing very thickly on the low side to even it up again.

Every so often throw your cat in the bath and shout 'Man Overboard!' then run into the kitchen and sweep all the pans and dishes on to the floor whilst yelling at your wife for not having secured for sea.

Put on the headphones for your stereo but do not plug them in. Go and stand in front of the dishwasher. Say to nobody in particular 'Dishwasher manned and ready sir!' Stand there for three or four hours then say, again to nobody in particular, 'Dishwasher secured!'? Remove the headphones, roll up the cord and put them away.

Nickname your shoes 'Steaming bats' and get your children to hide them around the house on a random basis.

Go out with a girl with Tourettes syndrome, just to hear someone shout and scream at you for no apparent reason.

Go to the supermarket and buy nothing, but queue up anyway.

Get your kids to hide around a corner and when you walk by, to throw a bucket of water over you.

Whenever you order a short at the pub, tell the barman to have sippers.

Mix seven tins of different soup in a pan and eat it while looking around to see if anyone else is eating it.

Boil a teapot full of tea for 20 minutes then mi x in two full tins of carnation cream and one tin of condensed milk, let it stand for 20 minutes and then drink it out of a dirty cup while eating a stale bun.

Slowly fry an egg for 25 minutes, place on a slice of cold greasy fried bread, eat it and wash it down with the above mentioned tea.

As you're about to start eating your dinner, get someone to shout 'starboard twenty five' and then tip the table to 30 degrees so everything slides off.

Set the toaster so that it burns anything that is put in it.

Set up five tape recorders with recordings of five different people snoring, and play them all night

Take all the bedding off and dismantle the bed. Go out for a night on the town and return at two in the morning, then get your head down after making the bed.
 

Geryon

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Did you can that from the RN website? :D
But yeah, now I'm looking forward to joining the royal navy :|
 

a flying dodo

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Hehe that did make me chuckle. Itdoes sound quite fun actually :)
 

Ninja_Stoker

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Did you can that from the RN website? :D
But yeah, now I'm looking forward to joining the royal navy :|
Doubtless it's posted somewhere on RumRation, but I had it emailed last week.

It's an old list, but it always makes me chuckle when you read down the list. I rather liked the iced cakes bit. The sweeping of crockery off the shelves in the kitchen during man-overboard drills is so true to Naval life - they always seemed to happen during mealtimes & the ship would do a hard turn, leaving the dining halls & galley in complete disarray, complete with swearing chefs calling the Officer of the Watch's parentage into doubt. Hells Kitchen isn't a patch on it. The Tourettes bit is true also- it's taken me four years to string a sentence together without a swear word in it. Happy days.
 

Geryon

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What is a stoker by the way? First time I read your name I thought it said "stroker"
 

Ninja_Stoker

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A stoker is the term for the guys who used to shovel the coal to keep the boilers going up until the 1950's. I joined as a Marine Engineering Mechanic, coal had long gone but I still worked on diesel fired boilers (you want to try shovelling diesel-nightmare!) but we are still called stokers, today they are called Engineering Technician(Marine Engineering), but doubtless they will still be called Stokers or quite often Strokers. Whilst some may consider it a derrogatory term, neither bothers - believe me we get called a lot worse.

Stokers often work with the Marines- often on the Landing Craft, maintaining the fast boats & outboards, they are even deployed as vehicle mechanics with the Vikings & LandRovers in Afghanistan.

Basically it's a bit like being a car mechanic, except that sometimes the spanners are the same size as a family car, we work on gas turbines, diesel engines, generators, hydraulics, pneumatics, evaporators or reverse osmosis plants(make fresh water), fresh water systems, hot water systems, fuel storage & transfer systems, refrigeration, air conditioning, sewerage, high voltage electrics etc., etc. But Stoker or Stroker is fine by me.
 

AdmiralAwesome

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Very funny. The snoring one made me think...

Just been on a week away with some mates in France in one of their parents house, shared a room with a mate that snores like a freight train.

Is ridiculously heavy snoring a bar to entry for infantry etc? You know, you're all in your basha, no fire, no lights, no talking above a quiet whisper... and there's someone there snoring like a wounded hippo in mating season and can be heard 2 miles away. Would rather spoil the whole 'tactical' thing...
 

Ninja_Stoker

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cool *text deleted* why u called ninja?
It was intended as a joke as in "Ninja Turtles", but then people started asking what dojo I attended and weirdy stuff like that- by which time I'd already established myself under that username & if I were to change it to "GoodLookin'Bloke" (which would be far more accurate) I'd have to start from scratch in getting recognition under that name.
 

MrSkippy

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Hahah nice list there Ninja, gave me quite a few good chuckles.

Beer stuff in the shower was just like being a student, how else we going to keep all our booze cool, no room in the fridge!

And I already eat cold soup, too goddamn lazy to warm it up :worried:
 
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