New born, Ex Fiancé, RM Applications

[Gray99]

Alright lads, ex and current marines I need some advice. Long read, I apologies.

For around 4-5 years I've been considering joining the marines, I am currently 22, have a new born daughter a few months old, and an now recently ex fiancé.

Firstly, me and the ex misses have been basically a concurrent argument for the past 1 and a bit, usually each week or two spending 95% of the time not talking, arguing and then odd smile and laugh.

A few months after finding our we where having a baby I of course asked her to marry me to let her know that she was secure w me and that I wanted her and our daughter, can i add when I asked also ended up having an argument before but never the less I asked because I wanted them in my life and wanted to take care of the family.

As of recently, we are still living in an apartment together but are both on side that we should part, as we are both unhappy most of the time. I always told her if we split my goal would be to finally go for a dream of mine that I have had for a long time now, which is the marines ( if I made it the whole way ).

I sent my.application 2 days ago so I told her why, that even tho I earn a decent wage of 30k a year for my age, I'm not happy, the job can go anywhere else, I don't enjoy it, that I want make something of myself and turn myself into, I admitted at first it may seem selfish but it was for a better life down the line for my daughter, to become a better man for my daughter and be able to be someone she is proud of.

Of course she doesn't understand, and after agreeing a few weeks ago that it would be amazing for me, she is now saying I'm selfish, how could I leave my daughter, give my daughter issues for the rest of her life, never see her, never raise her etc. Its just all got me confused because if I stay on my own in the job I'm in without the most of the time anyways the future seems very bleak for my.physical and mental health.

Any ideas on what I should do?

 

[Gray99]

Alright lads, ex and current marines I need some advice. Long read, I apologies.

For around 4-5 years I've been considering joining the marines, I am currently 22, have a new born daughter a few months old, and an now recently ex fiancé.

Firstly, me and the ex misses have been basically a concurrent argument for the past 1 and a bit, usually each week or two spending 95% of the time not talking, arguing and then odd smile and laugh.

A few months after finding our we where having a baby I of course asked her to marry me to let her know that she was secure w me and that I wanted her and our daughter, can i add when I asked also ended up having an argument before but never the less I asked because I wanted them in my life and wanted to take care of the family.

As of recently, we are still living in an apartment together but are both on side that we should part, as we are both unhappy most of the time. I always told her if we split my goal would be to finally go for a dream of mine that I have had for a long time now, which is the marines ( if I made it the whole way ).

I sent my.application 2 days ago so I told her why, that even tho I earn a decent wage of 30k a year for my age, I'm not happy, the job can go anywhere else, I don't enjoy it, that I want make something of myself and turn myself into, I admitted at first it may seem selfish but it was for a better life down the line for my daughter, to become a better man for my daughter and be able to be someone she is proud of.

Of course she doesn't understand, and after agreeing a few weeks ago that it would be amazing for me, she is now saying I'm selfish, how could I leave my daughter, give my daughter issues for the rest of her life, never see her, never raise her etc. Its just all got me confused because if I stay on my own in the job I'm in without the most of the time anyways the future seems very bleak for my.physical and mental health.

Any ideas on what I should do?

Meant to say 1 and a bit years*

 

[Chelonian]

Any ideas on what I should do?

Okay... usual disclaimer: I'm not best qualified to offer relationship counselling. But here goes:

The arrival of a new born often introduces tension, insecurity and pressure into even the rosiest of relationships.

Perhaps the biggest potential issue is that of perceived insecurity. If your relationship truly has been mainly an ongoing argument for over one year (although clearly you both parked your differences long enough to produce a young 'un) your partner might reasonably feel disadvantaged now that she is literally holding the baby while you are planning your next career move.

You are in the driving seat mate. At age twenty-two the world is your lobster. It's also possibly your partner and child's lobster too. There is a compromise here. But the onus is on you to make it happen.

Have you asked your partner what she wants? My guess is that just now and for the next couple of years her needs might be quite simple.

Obviously it's difficult for anyone here to 'advise' because none of us know your exact circumstances.

The forum does have a Parent & Partner sub-forum exclusively for those who are in either category. Consider suggesting that she signs up. No propaganda on the P&P sub-forum. It's a v. friendly place where honest answers are given to straight questions. At any one time there will be others who are in a similar position to your partner. Best of luck.

 

[ThreadpigeonsAlpha]

All I will say is there’s plenty of people who grew up with parents in the forces and we turned out alright.
You have to do what’s right for you, to provide for and give yourself and a future for your kid.

Your still young, you can have a civvie career after the corps.

Don’t let other people push their insecurities and failings onto you and make it your problem.

 

[Geespt]

If I was you i'd go for it! Go for your desire/ dream to earn a green beret!

I say this because I left a toxic relationship with a 1 year old son to join training at age 22. Very similar to yourself. As soon as i told my ex she too claimed I was 'selfish'. She tried her hardest to make life difficult for me in training, but just remember that you're building a future for yourself and your child.

The corps will always fully support you even when there are those who won't. An example of this is when I was granted permission literally as soon as i asked, to go to court and fight for rights to see my son as my ex had denied me access to him because I 'apparently' chose to walk away from them both to start training. I was given the time I needed, during a busy period for my troop as well and was offered support I didn't ask for, but very much appreciated.

2 years on from the court room and I can honestly say now it was completely worth it! I've never felt happier than I am now, now i'm in the corps.

I get to see my son on my leave periods. Now he's nearly 4 he understands that i'm away. "Daddy at work" is what he says down the phone. He's in a routine now and he knows i'm away but he also knows i'll be back.

It's fully worth it! If you have any questions, feel free to DM me.

 

[Nature's Wish]

Alright lads, ex and current marines I need some advice. Long read, I apologies.

For around 4-5 years I've been considering joining the marines, I am currently 22, have a new born daughter a few months old, and an now recently ex fiancé.

Firstly, me and the ex misses have been basically a concurrent argument for the past 1 and a bit, usually each week or two spending 95% of the time not talking, arguing and then odd smile and laugh.

A few months after finding our we where having a baby I of course asked her to marry me to let her know that she was secure w me and that I wanted her and our daughter, can i add when I asked also ended up having an argument before but never the less I asked because I wanted them in my life and wanted to take care of the family.

As of recently, we are still living in an apartment together but are both on side that we should part, as we are both unhappy most of the time. I always told her if we split my goal would be to finally go for a dream of mine that I have had for a long time now, which is the marines ( if I made it the whole way ).

I sent my.application 2 days ago so I told her why, that even tho I earn a decent wage of 30k a year for my age, I'm not happy, the job can go anywhere else, I don't enjoy it, that I want make something of myself and turn myself into, I admitted at first it may seem selfish but it was for a better life down the line for my daughter, to become a better man for my daughter and be able to be someone she is proud of.

Of course she doesn't understand, and after agreeing a few weeks ago that it would be amazing for me, she is now saying I'm selfish, how could I leave my daughter, give my daughter issues for the rest of her life, never see her, never raise her etc. Its just all got me confused because if I stay on my own in the job I'm in without the most of the time anyways the future seems very bleak for my.physical and mental health.

Any ideas on what I should do?

Find some new work but not in the marines. At least not for now.

Something outdoors. Something to build you up such as chainsaw work and if you're up for the risk tree surgery for better pay. If you're not interested in the Forestry sector try to work privately. I'm always hearing how a lot of people are constantly stressed within the forestry commission due to work load, hours and monotonous risk assessments. It will depend on your role of course but let that serve as a heads up at least up North. Now the point is, this type of work would be good for you physically, mentally and spiritually and will offer you the opportunity to develop as a man whilst spending time with the family. You want to make your daughter proud? Be a strong father. Strong of body and mind.

Now, cut-off age is thirty-two. Your former fiancée may be wrong on a lot of things but she's right about you being there to raise your kid, call it motherly intuition. This gives you ten years roughly to raise your kid and if you play your cards right, even squeeze in an application before the cut-off. At this age your daughter will be matured to the point where you can be gone for longer periods of time and you can finally make that dream of yours a reality. And maybe by then you'll even have a son you can make proud.

Whatever you decide upon I wish you the best of luck.

 

[gumpo]

Find some new work but not in the marines. At least not for now.

Something outdoors. Something to build you up such as chainsaw work and if you're up for the risk tree surgery for better pay. If you're not interested in the Forestry sector try to work privately. I'm always hearing how a lot of people are constantly stressed within the forestry commission due to work load, hours and monotonous risk assessments. It will depend on your role of course but let that serve as a heads up at least up North. Now the point is, this type of work would be good for you physically, mentally and spiritually and will offer you the opportunity to develop as a man whilst spending time with the family. You want to make your daughter proud? Be a strong father. Strong of body and mind.

Now, cut-off age is thirty-two. Your former fiancée may be wrong on a lot of things but she's right about you being there to raise your kid, call it motherly intuition. This gives you ten years roughly to raise your kid and if you play your cards right, even squeeze in an application before the cut-off. At this age your daughter will be matured to the point where you can be gone for longer periods of time and you can finally make that dream of yours a reality. And maybe by then you'll even have a son you can make proud.

Whatever you decide upon I wish you the best of luck.

not sure I agree with this. I’ve worked away my sons entire life and to us it’s normal now. The time I spend with him, we spend well, not a wasted minute. I’ve gone down the thought process how can I look my son in the eye man to man and tell him he should follow the path he wants and that he can have any career he wants when I’m not doing the same thing.

 

[stumpylegs]

My two cents is, she’s been brought up with the Disney version of happiness. Thinks if she’s not happy she can find another bloke, Now she has a child she’ll struggle to find another partner. She should have made it work with you (she’ll most likely end up alone).
You can’t be the partner or father you want to be, if you’re not true to yourself, not happy with the circumstances you can control(ie job). You May subconsciously resent or have Negative behaviour or feelings toward your child if you wait to purse the RM’s, that your child or ex is the reason you’re not happy.
25% of children are raised by single parent families in the uk and they do no better or worse than children raised in conventional sent up once financial and parental education factors are taken into consideration. It’s the way family’s get on, not the structure that matters.
Parents getting on is one of the most important factors in raising happy children. 70% of teenagers agreed with this vs 33% of parents.
So keep the communication open and friendly because if one person is referred to as the “bad person” the child can internalise this and see themselves as being a “bad” person.
so what I’m saying is go for it but keep cooperating with her and communicate well.

 

[stumpylegs]

And she’s also using those statements to guilt trip you into staying around, women emotionally manipulate to get what they want, because she’s scared, due to not having you for financial security and that fact she‘s got to be the main person responsible for raising your child, along with that her life will never go back to the way it was before she had a child, so she’s lost part of her “identity”.

 

[Duracell Bunny]

Hey there. Congratulations on your daughter. I can’t tell you what you should or shouldn’t do, but I will offer my opinion as a mum.

Do either of you have much family willing to support you with the baby? If not, then she could be worried and feeling stressed at the thought of potentially having to raise your daughter almost completely alone. The emotional burden as well as the financial burden. I don’t doubt you both love your daughter very much, but I’m sure you’ll already appreciate any moments you get to have a breather from parenthood.
I’m assuming that she’s a similar age to yourself - so she may also be wondering how she will get the opportunity to achieve any of the dreams she may also have.

There may be concern of your daughter missing out on time with you, but also of you missing out on special moments. The first 4/5 years of raising a child can be challenging - but they’re also epic, with how quickly they grow, and the things they say/do.

If you haven’t yet, then as mentioned by others point her in the direction of the Partners & Parents sub forum. People without experience of the military often have misconceptions that you’re just signing yourself up to permanently be away or get shot.

Whilst I can’t speak first hand exactly how it is in the regs, particularly the RM, I am aware that this isn’t entirely the case. Drafts and deployments will vary, so you may be away for extended periods of time - but equally, you may not.

If it hasn’t been done already, then I would definitely recommend sitting down with her for a solid chat. Speak calmly and openly - ask her what her concerns are and try to address them as best as you can. If it’s truly important to you, then let her know just how much so - explain your reasoning for wanting to join, and the benefits of doing so. Ensure she knows that you’re fully aware of the impact your decision will have on all of your lives, but that it’s not one that you have made lightly. Let her know how important your daughter is to you and that you fully intend on supporting her as best as you possibly can.

I’m a firm believer that having children should not prevent you from living your own life and achieving your goals - it just makes things a little more challenging depending on the circumstances, and sometimes compromises have to be made, but good communication is key.

Good luck!

 

[Gray99]

Thank you all for the replies, it becomes very challenging to show across a platform the state of your relationship and situation but most of you have hit the nail on the head. Although there is good arguments for both sides, a lot of things said like "Disney princess version of happiness and reality" and a "relationship that has became toxic" with "manipulation and guilt" is all things I've been saying to myself about my situation for over a year now.

I promised her the day I met her and also the day we where having our child I'd never leave her or forget about them, and I never will, I've offered to help her move into her own spot, pay up to half of her rent, put food on the table for my daughter still, whilst being away, because I am the sole provider in my home, and have been since I met her.

But I don't think it's fair she can decide she wants to leave, then stay then leave then manipulate it, blame me for all the negative stuff and bad things in her life, and mess me about then expect me to stay here in a job I hate,

I have told her that it's not an easy thing to decide you're going to miss your daughters first steps, or her first words, missing watching her grow into a little woman isn't a decision that anyone could make lightly, but I know if I don't try to make myself something for her, down the line I'll just be like any regular dad who's split w her mother and isn't really going anywhere in life and that's not what I want for me or her!

Once again thanks all for the replies. It's helped a tonne set my mind straight!

 

[ThreadpigeonsAlpha]

Thank you all for the replies, it becomes very challenging to show across a platform the state of your relationship and situation but most of you have hit the nail on the head. Although there is good arguments for both sides, a lot of things said like "Disney princess version of happiness and reality" and a "relationship that has became toxic" with "manipulation and guilt" is all things I've been saying to myself about my situation for over a year now.

I promised her the day I met her and also the day we where having our child I'd never leave her or forget about them, and I never will, I've offered to help her move into her own spot, pay up to half of her rent, put food on the table for my daughter still, whilst being away, because I am the sole provider in my home, and have been since I met her.

But I don't think it's fair she can decide she wants to leave, then stay then leave then manipulate it, blame me for all the negative stuff and bad things in her life, and mess me about then expect me to stay here in a job I hate,

I have told her that it's not an easy thing to decide you're going to miss your daughters first steps, or her first words, missing watching her grow into a little woman isn't a decision that anyone could make lightly, but I know if I don't try to make myself something for her, down the line I'll just be like any regular dad who's split w her mother and isn't really going anywhere in life and that's not what I want for me or her!

Once again thanks all for the replies. It's helped a tonne set my mind straight!

“Don’t set yourself on fire, just to keep someone else warm”

 

[Nature's Wish]

not sure I agree with this. I’ve worked away my sons entire life and to us it’s normal now. The time I spend with him, we spend well, not a wasted minute. I’ve gone down the thought process how can I look my son in the eye man to man and tell him he should follow the path he wants and that he can have any career he wants when I’m not doing the same thing.

Anything can become normal given time.
I will never concede it's ideal having a seldom present father but I will say it can 'work', having lived with it myself. 'Work' meaning, without detail, I grew up and managed. Would I want a similar thing for my kids? No chance, that's why I want to do these adventurous things and make myself before starting a family and go from there. Easier said than done though an I don't blame you.
Besides that it's just not easy for a military man. Common for men to get cheated on due to their absence and if that happens the kid will suffer. I'm rambling a bit but I just believe it's important for a man to be a father and be there to raise the kids and not just bring in the dough. You seem to understand that aspect though and thought about it so I respect you for it.

 

[ThreadpigeonsAlpha]

Anything can become normal given time.
I will never concede it's ideal having a seldom present father but I will say it can 'work', having lived with it myself. 'Work' meaning, without detail, I grew up and managed. Would I want a similar thing for my kids? No chance, that's why I want to do these adventurous things and make myself before starting a family and go from there. Easier said than done though an I don't blame you.
Besides that it's just not easy for a military man. Common for men to get cheated on due to their absence and if that happens the kid will suffer. I'm rambling a bit but I just believe it's important for a man to be a father and be there to raise the kids and not just bring in the dough. You seem to understand that aspect though and thought about it so I respect you for it.

Yea. You’re rambling.

 

[Nature's Wish]

Yea. You’re rambling.

Well there's truth in there.