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dj1uk3

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the ones i like:

My wife, being unhappy with my mood swings, bought me one of these mood rings so she could monitor my mood.

We discovered that when I am in a good mood it turns green and when I am in a bad mood it leaves a big *text deleted**text deleted*ing red mark on her forehead.



A big, bald, tattooed Neo Nazi type storms into the pub and stands at the bar. "Right, listen up, *text deleted**text deleted*ers! Every bloke to my left is a *text deleted**text deleted*! And every bloke to my right is a faggot! Any *text deleted**text deleted**text deleted** got a problem with that?"

All the men in the pub fearfully stare into their pints, but one man, a short, balding nerd with glasses and a briefcase stands up.

"Oh, you want your head kicked in then, shorty?"

"No, it's nothing like that. I just appear to be on the wrong side of the room."
 

Sam1

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Ultimate phone prank:

1. Call the Childline number and say, "I've just pressed redial and this number came up, who is this?"

2. Operator replies, "you're through to Childline."

3. You shout, "TERRY, YOU LITTLE *text deleted**text deleted*, NOT AGAIN....COME HERE YOU LITTLE *text deleted**text deleted**text deleted**" before hanging up the phone.


haha....LMFAO!
 

Geryon

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My joke got a score 17 :D

"
Just saw in the news today a Catholic priest has been sentenced to jail for sexually abusing children.

In other news CNN has obtained footage of a bear *text deleted**text deleted*ting in the woods.
"
 

Gixer600Dan

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I called that Rape Advice Line earlier today.

Unfortunately, it's only for victims.



Sorry i found it funny.
 

Sam1

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Like this. How do you confuse an idiot?
 

Geryon

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"
How do you make a Jewish Omelette?

First you borrow 3 eggs...."

hahahhaha
 

SandTiger

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"Like this. How do you confuse an idiot."

Its to confuse you. How do you confuse an idiot. Like this. Its backwards.

Atleast i think thats what hes trying to do?
 

Geryon

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"Like this. How do you confuse an idiot."

Its to confuse you. How do you confuse an idiot. Like this. Its backwards.

Atleast i think thats what hes trying to do?


Pixie shoulder pads.
 

Sam1

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"Like this. How do you confuse an idiot."

Its to confuse you. How do you confuse an idiot. Like this. Its backwards.

Atleast i think thats what hes trying to do?

Now im confused.... *text deleted*
 

Sam1

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An American ship is sailing just off the coast of Britain, when it receives a call. "This is Britain you need to divert your course 15 degrees"

So the American answers back, "How about you divert your course 15 degrees or we'll bomb your ass to kingdom come!"

The reply comes: "We are a lighthouse, your call"
 

hughbrown

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An American ship is sailing just off the coast of Britain, when it receives a call. "This is Britain you need to divert your course 15 degrees"

So the American answers back, "How about you divert your course 15 degrees or we'll bomb your ass to kingdom come!"

The reply comes: "We are a lighthouse, your call"

actually the joke is like this... Ahem

A US navy Taskforce consisting of The USS Nimitz and USS Carl Vinson, As well as numerous destroyers etc. is sailing of the Canadian coast,
The Radar in the Nimitz picks up a contact and the operator is on the Horn to the bridge, "Captain radar contact 12 o clock sir!".

So the Captain gets on to the Radio with this contact and in the usual septic manner, shouts out "This is USS Nimitz of the US Navy, divert course 15 degrees due north"
The reply is "Negative Nimitz, divert course 15 degrees South"

This pisses of the big man so he bellows " THIS IS THE CAPTAIN OF THE SUPPERCARRIER USS NIMITZ!!!
I HAVE 2 CARRIERS IN MY TASKFORCE,
7 DESTROYERS,
2 BATTLESHIPS,
AND 4 NUCLEAR ATTACK SUBMARINES,

I SAY AGAIN, DIVERT 15 DEGREES DUE NORTH!"

There is a delay before, "USS Nimitz this is this is the lighthouse of Halifax Regional Municipality.... Divert or maintain current heading, your choice... click"
 

Sam1

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Sam 1-0 Hughbrown :D
 

R. M. Pitt

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actually the joke is like this... Ahem

A US navy Taskforce consisting of The USS Nimitz and USS Carl Vinson, As well as numerous destroyers etc. is sailing of the Canadian coast,
The Radar in the Nimitz picks up a contact and the operator is on the Horn to the bridge, "Captain radar contact 12 o clock sir!".

So the Captain gets on to the Radio with this contact and in the usual septic manner, shouts out "This is USS Nimitz of the US Navy, divert course 15 degrees due north"
The reply is "Negative Nimitz, divert course 15 degrees South"

This pisses of the big man so he bellows " THIS IS THE CAPTAIN OF THE SUPPERCARRIER USS NIMITZ!!!
I HAVE 2 CARRIERS IN MY TASKFORCE,
7 DESTROYERS,
2 BATTLESHIPS,
AND 4 NUCLEAR ATTACK SUBMARINES,

I SAY AGAIN, DIVERT 15 DEGREES DUE NORTH!"

There is a delay before, "USS Nimitz this is this is the lighthouse of Halifax Regional Municipality.... Divert or maintain current heading, your choice... click"

Actually the joke is like this... Ahem :wink: http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=D-dwDhvHE_I
 

Jervis

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*text deleted* wicked "this is a lighthouse mate... your call"
 

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