Strain on relationship before starting RT

Soap_TNDO

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Morning all,

Just hoping to get some advice from any of the older and wiser members if possible...

I’m due to start RT in September and have had a very supportive girlfriend for the whole application process, but now it’s becoming real and much closer we are noticing pressure already.

As expected, my life has been very focussed on the corp for the last 6 months, whether it be phys, researching, or on the forum, it’s become an obsession and unfortunately because it is taking all of my attention the Mrs has been getting quite upset with the lack of consideration/focus I have been giving her, quite understandably. Up until now the relationship has been solid, but because my last few weeks/months have had tunnel vision on the corp it’s evidently having an impact, which could quite easily end the worst way.

She understands that the Corp is a big priority and focus of mine at the moment, but is still looking for some reassurance and comforting and in all honesty, I’m struggling to get the balance.

Any advice would be appreciated.

thanks.
 

Duality

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Is she on this forum? If not, get her to sign up and ask for access to parents and partners. There'll be someone else there who's been through what she's going through so might be helpful.
 

Soap_TNDO

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Is she on this forum? If not, get her to sign up and ask for access to parents and partners. There'll be someone else there who's been through what she's going through so might be helpful.
yes she is, although she isn’t active on it. I’ll get her to get have a search around. Thanks
 

Chelonian

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I’m due to start RT in September and have had a very supportive girlfriend for the whole application process, but now it’s becoming real and much closer we are noticing pressure already.
Communication often helps. I'm certainly not qualified to offer relationship advice but perhaps consider asking your girlfriend what her concerns and worries are so that the two of you can work on resolving them as a team. She's taking on a burden herself. Ask yourself how you would feel if she had announced that she was leaving you at home while she swanned off to CTCRM for at least 36 weeks.

It is very easy for us to become focused on our own projects and unintentionally neglect those closest to us. Putting it bluntly, you will depend on her consideration and support when you are in RT. If your girlfriend needs some reassurance and support herself, now is the time to demonstrate it.

As suggested by @Duality suggest that she gets involved with the P&P sub-forum. She doesn't have to wait until you start RT. She can grumble and express herself honestly there and get objective, straightforward support. It's also a very friendly place.
 

Soap_TNDO

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Communication often helps. I'm certainly not qualified to offer relationship advice but perhaps consider asking your girlfriend what her concerns and worries are so that the two of you can work on resolving them as a team. She's taking on a burden herself. Ask yourself how you would feel if she had announced that she was leaving you at home while she swanned off to CTCRM for at least 36 weeks.

It is very easy for us to become focused on our own projects and unintentionally neglect those closest to us. Putting it bluntly, you will depend on her consideration and support when you are in RT. If your girlfriend needs some reassurance and support herself, now is the time to demonstrate it.

As suggested by @Duality suggest that she gets involved with the P&P sub-forum. She doesn't have to wait until you start RT. She can grumble and express herself honestly there and get objective, straightforward support. It's also a very friendly place.
Thanks @Chelonian that kind of rationality is what I was looking for. We are both in it together and as you say, it’s very easy to neglect loved ones when we are so caught up ourselves.
 

Ninja_Stoker

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Thanks @Chelonian that kind of rationality is what I was looking for. We are both in it together and as you say, it’s very easy to neglect loved ones when we are so caught up ourselves.
Spot on. Guilty to that charge myself and very often I'm the world's worst at not practising what I preach with regard "family comes first".

Nonetheless, it is refreshing to see a person set on joining who is far from oblivious to the impact it has on loved ones. Be it parents, partners and/or children.

Over the years, I've lost count of the people who join, get grief from home, quit, regret, split-up and then rejoin. All it takes is a bit of effort, as stated by @Chelonian. Good comms, mutual trust and involvement are all a significant help to make your career choice a success from all perspectives.

Once a partner is familiar with separation and independence, their self-reliance and self-esteem grows immeasurably - it's a steep learning curve for both, but in many cases relationships can strengthen. Many partners remark upon how much their lives have changed for the better with regards their own personal development during recruit training.
 

Soap_TNDO

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Thanks @Ninja_Stoker . It’s an easy rut to get into and it’s even easier to overlook it.

Over the years, I've lost count of the people who join, get grief from home, quit, regret, split-up and then rejoin.
I have read about this happening time and time again and it’s something which I’m reluctant to fall into, so hope to iron out all the creases before it gets to this point.


Once a partner is familiar with separation and independence, their self-reliance and self-esteem grows immeasurably - it's a steep learning curve for both, but in many cases relationships can strengthen. Many partners remark upon how much their lives have changed for the better with regards their own personal development during recruit training.
This is reassuring to hear, thank you.

I’ll suggest that she gets more involved on the forum as It’s good hearing from others outside the relationship with similar experiences. It’s unbelievable how much help and reassurance I have been given from other members on the forum.
 

Duality

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The good thing about parents and partners is there might be things she doesn't want to vent about to you as she won't want to distract you from your goal but can talk about there. You won't be able to see it. That sounds a bit off but it may give her space to get things out of her system which in turn may improve the small amount of contact you have through the first bit. You'll be surrounded by people who feel exactly the same way you do and people who have went through it. She won't have that in real life but can have it through this forum.
 

Vine

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Morning all,

Just hoping to get some advice from any of the older and wiser members if possible...

I’m due to start RT in September and have had a very supportive girlfriend for the whole application process, but now it’s becoming real and much closer we are noticing pressure already.

As expected, my life has been very focussed on the corp for the last 6 months, whether it be phys, researching, or on the forum, it’s become an obsession and unfortunately because it is taking all of my attention the Mrs has been getting quite upset with the lack of consideration/focus I have been giving her, quite understandably. Up until now the relationship has been solid, but because my last few weeks/months have had tunnel vision on the corp it’s evidently having an impact, which could quite easily end the worst way.

She understands that the Corp is a big priority and focus of mine at the moment, but is still looking for some reassurance and comforting and in all honesty, I’m struggling to get the balance.

Any advice would be appreciated.

thanks.
You've not given much in terms of age, how long the relationship has been etc etc. Define strain ? Are we talking constant arguement or has she brought it up one time in a arguement ? The answers I'd personally give really do depend on those sorts of factors. If you are struggling to find a balance make sure you go out your way to make a effort some flowers and dinner or something goes a long way in showing you actually care.
 

Soap_TNDO

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@Duality the fact that it can be said without me coming across it makes complete sense and gives her a chance to express what she may not want to express directly to me, so I’m all for it. It’s a great arrangement and gives us both a opportunity for a second opinion with ease.

@Vine Sorry I wasn’t clearer. We’re both in our mid/early 20’s and have been together for almost 4 years. When I say strain, it certainly isn’t having a direct issue in the relationship, it’s more down to my lack of presence when I’m focussed on other things which has resulted in her feeling 2nd best, so her overall mood is impacted and her feeling are hurt, so the minor arguments and bickers begin to happen more frequently etc. Hopefully that should give more clarity? Since I came to realise what was going on I have been making the effort with meals etc, but it’s more the little things that I struggled with.
 

Royal2010

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Alternatively, do the extreme like I did 'mag to grid' and got rid .Training was so much easier not having to call someone every single flipping night and trying to constantly re-assure someone who was crying down the phone. Again to echo Ninja. The amount of lads who were in my troop in training and as well as seeing it as an instructor, lads who can't juggle a relationship who end up quitting, split up and re-join. If she loves you, she will wait. There are opportunities in training (long weekends, periods of leave) to be re-united. Think long term.
 

Chelonian

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Another shameless promo for the P&P sub-forum:

For Recruits having to do everything at the speed of a thousand gazelles time flies past. The opposite perhaps apples to those at home who are accustomed to being in constant digital contact with partners or offspring. With the best will in the world insecurity is likely to creep in when comms are sparse, particularly in the early weeks. This is perhaps one of the most common issues raised by P&Ps in each new Recruit Troop.

One of the benefits of the P&P sub-forum is the reassurance that comes from learning that nobody else in a Recruit Troop has been able to check in with home for almost a week.
 

06042020

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As expected, my life has been very focussed on the corp for the last 6 months, whether it be phys, researching, or on the forum, it’s become an obsession and unfortunately because it is taking all of my attention the Mrs has been getting quite upset with the lack of consideration/focus I have been giving her, quite understandably. Up until now the relationship has been solid, but because my last few weeks/months have had tunnel vision on the corp it’s evidently having an impact, which could quite easily end the worst way.

She understands that the Corp is a big priority and focus of mine at the moment, but is still looking for some reassurance and comforting and in all honesty, I’m struggling to get the balance.
Some really good advice above from far more experienced heads than mine. For what it's worth, the bit I've put in bold feels important though.

Anyone looking to join the Corps should absolutely be focused and putting the hard graft in. However, I'd suggest that in even the most difficult lines of work having it become an 'obsession' which takes 'all' your attention is not healthy. Every human on the planet needs time to de-stress and think about other things, and doing so is an important part of looking after your mind - which by all accounts is as important as your body in RT.

If what you've written is truly how you're approaching your life I think it'd be wise to make some time for non RM-stuff during your week and own time, including spending quality time with your partner. Enjoy the last 'normal' time you'll get with them for a while, because that'll won't always be an option once you're in.
 

Vine

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@Duality the fact that it can be said without me coming across it makes complete sense and gives her a chance to express what she may not want to express directly to me, so I’m all for it. It’s a great arrangement and gives us both a opportunity for a second opinion with ease.

@Vine Sorry I wasn’t clearer. We’re both in our mid/early 20’s and have been together for almost 4 years. When I say strain, it certainly isn’t having a direct issue in the relationship, it’s more down to my lack of presence when I’m focussed on other things which has resulted in her feeling 2nd best, so her overall mood is impacted and her feeling are hurt, so the minor arguments and bickers begin to happen more frequently etc. Hopefully that should give more clarity? Since I came to realise what was going on I have been making the effort with meals etc, but it’s more the little things that I struggled with.
4 years isn't a drop in the ocean mate and I gen believe it can work. I've known lads similar to you been in done there 4/5 years and left with a partner at home from day one week one basic so it ain't all bad. You need to be honest with each other now can she cope with you being away alot you say she feels second best now that's you at home full time the no phone calls all day, exercise, late nights and early mornings all work work work that's before deployments are yet to come. My honest opinion is and I've been there myself that it seldom works out majority of lads I know that had a partner at the start of basic are now moved on like almost everyone. I've also seen loads of good lads leave training for a women and up split up a matter of months later. Be honest with yourself if she's not the absolute love of your life women you want to marry then thin her out if she is try your best to make it work, it wont be easy but it can be done. As far as advice goes there's not much you can do unless your ridiculously obsessive with it make a set time for her say the weekends maybe or a night of two a week where all RM stuff is dropped.
 

Soap_TNDO

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Thanks very much @Royal2010, that is something I have thought about and it does make sense to cut ties for an easier life when times will be hard enough at RT, however because she means the absolute world to me and has been part of the growth of who I’ve become up until now that isn’t a viable option for me. It’s likely that if I’m having pressure put on me and being given a hard time during RT that I’ll reconsider this but now I’m in for the long game and owe it to myself and her to do what I can to try make it work. Both of us are fully aware that I won’t be leaving CTC for the sake of the relationship either, I’m not going to be another case of ‘told you so’ haha.

@06042020 thanks for your reply. You’re absolutely right but having ‘off time’ is easier said than done when you have had several obstacles stopping you in the past and then when the time comes when you actually go for it, it’s hard not to think about it every waking hour. But I do agree, for the sake of the relationship I need to dedicate some time to us and make sure I’m not googling stuff, or watching videos on the corp because that’s the common occurrence at the moment ha.

@Vine thanks again. I agree, 4 years is a big part of my life and it’s not something I’m prepared to throw away for the sake of a possibility. Certain boundaries have been set in that I will not quit RT for the sake of the relationship, but I will certainly give it my all in keeping it solid whilst we both get used to living different lives. I have also set my own expectations in that it would be understandable and somewhat expected if she realised she needed more of a constant and companionship closer to home and therefore cut ties. In my mind I know there is a positive spin to either outcome so it’s just a matter of seeing how it rides out and doing what I need to do to achieve my goal and hopefully have the mrs on the journey with me.
 
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