Things that make you laugh

Rover

Moderator
Joined
Oct 23, 2008
Posts
3,827
Reaction score
5,896
Several men are in the changing room of a golf club, one was a Former Royal Marine. A mobile phone on
a bench rings and The Royal Marine engages the hands-free speaker function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

MAN: "Hello"

WOMAN: "Hi darling, it's me. Are you at the club?"

MAN: "Yes."

WOMAN: "I'm at the shops now and found this beautiful leather coat.

"It's only £1,000; is it OK if I buy it?"

MAN: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much."

WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Ford showroom and saw the new models. I saw one I really liked."

MAN: "How much?"

WOMAN: "£37,000.";

MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."

WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing... I was just talking to Jane and found out that the house I wanted last year is back on the market.

"They're asking £570,000 for it."

MAN: "Well, then go ahead and make an offer of £550,000. They'll probably take it. If not, we can go the extra twenty-thousand if it's what you really want."

WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you so much!"

MAN: "Bye! I love you, too."

The Marine hangs up. The other men in the changing room are staring at him in astonishment, mouths wide open.

He turns and asks, "Anyone have an idea who's phone this is?"
 

Chelonian

Moderator
Joined
Aug 10, 2010
Posts
10,619
Reaction score
12,595
I never knew that prior to a career in politics Matt Hancock played Herbert Gruber in “Hello Hello” Every day is a school day :)
As a proud pleb I have had very few name dropping encounters with 'celebrities' * but here's one:

April 1992 and flying back to the UK from Auckland, NZ. At Singapore a sweaty bloke collapses into the seat next to me. Because we'd be sat next to each other for many hours I attempted polite conversation.

"Working trip or holiday?"
"Errm... holiday."
"I work in shipbuilding. What do you do?"
[Total silence. Until we landed at LHR.] :)

It was only when the cabin crew began queuing to get Gordon Kaye's (Rene from the TV show) autograph that I realised why the supposedly most recognised and popular TV character of the day had got the hump when it became apparent that someone didn't have a Scooby who he was and didn't really care anyway.

* With the exception of Eastender's Daniella Westbrook, perhaps. But that's another story.
 

GreyWing

Nobody
Joined
Feb 21, 2007
Posts
5,453
Reaction score
3,850
As a proud pleb I have had very few name dropping encounters with 'celebrities' * but here's one:

April 1992 and flying back to the UK from Auckland, NZ. At Singapore a sweaty bloke collapses into the seat next to me. Because we'd be sat next to each other for many hours I attempted polite conversation.

"Working trip or holiday?"
"Errm... holiday."
"I work in shipbuilding. What do you do?"
[Total silence. Until we landed at LHR.] :)

It was only when the cabin crew began queuing to get Gordon Kaye's (Rene from the TV show) autograph that I realised why the supposedly most recognised and popular TV character of the day had got the hump when it became apparent that someone didn't have a Scooby who he was and didn't really care anyway.

* With the exception of Eastender's Daniella Westbrook, perhaps. But that's another story.
He might have forgot who he was after that large lump of wood that went through his swede that night.
 

Chelonian

Moderator
Joined
Aug 10, 2010
Posts
10,619
Reaction score
12,595
If memory serves it was the six-inch nail attached to the lump of wood what punctured his skull. :)
For a so-called comedian he wasn't remotely funny during the flight from Singapore to London.

Although he did have a hissy fit at the luggage carousel at LHR which made me chuckle.
 

Former AE

Royal Marines Commando
Joined
Mar 22, 2015
Posts
181
Reaction score
342
Suzie and Dee, two retired Wrens met up for a few drinks.

Suzie: "That veteran Royal Marine, he was a Former AE, has asked me out for a date. I know you went out with him last week and I wanted to ask you what he was like before I made up my mind."

Dee: "Well, I'll tell you. He was wearing a smart suit, he was punctual in collecting me and he brought me such a beautiful bouquet of flowers.

He had even hired a limousine with a uniformed chauffeur to take us to a very posh restaurant.
It was a wonderful dinner. We drank pre-dinner champagne and more champagne during each course of lobster, filet steak and strawberry pavlova. There were after dinner mints with liqueur coffees.
Then he took me to see a show. Let me tell you Suzie, I enjoyed the evening so much I could have just died from pleasure!
Then, on the way home in the limousine, he turned into an animal! Completely crazy, he ripped off my expensive new dress and had his way with me three times!"
Suzie: "Goodness gracious! Are you warning me I shouldn't go?"

Dee: "No, no, no... I'm just saying, wear an old dress
 

Former AE

Royal Marines Commando
Joined
Mar 22, 2015
Posts
181
Reaction score
342
A Para walks into a bar looking frustrated.
The bartender asks "What's the matter?"
The Para replies "Well I've got these two horses and I can't tell them apart. I don't know if I'm mixing up riding times or even feeding them the right foods".

The bartender suggests "Why don't you try shaving the tail of one of the horses?"
The guy says "That sounds like a good idea, I think I'll try it".

A few months later, he returns to the bar in worse condition.
"I shaved the tail of one of the horses, but it grew back and I can't tell them apart again!"
The bartender says "Why don't you try shaving the mane?"

A few months later the Para is back.
"I shaved the mane of one of the horses, but it grew back!"
The bartender yells "Just measure the damn horses. Perhaps one is slightly taller that the other one!"
The guy storms out of the bar.

The next day, the Para runs into the bar....
... "It worked, it worked!" he exclaims. ...."I measured the horses, and...
... the black one is two inches taller than the white one!"
 
Top