Two jokes

Nacnud

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A Para dies and is stood at the pearly gates, St Peter comes out to meet him with a clip board, reads down a page and says "You've lived a good life, served your country and died for what you believed in, welcome to heaven.What is your desire?"
The Para looks confused and asks "What do you mean by that?"
St Peter replies" Heaven is what you make of it, What is your idea of heaven?"
" Anywhere there aren't any bloody Royal Marines" comes the reply.
With a wave of his hand St Peter transports them both to a beautiful lake with perfect weather, a beach,snow topped mountains in the distance and beautiful women walking around in bikinis.
" This is perfect, but you are sure there are no bootnecks here?"
" Absolutely" replies St Peter.
Just then they both hear the unmistakeable sound of an outboard motor at full tilt and look across the lake to see a rigid raider skimming across the water driven by a man wearing a green lid.
" You lying *text deleted**text deleted**text deleted**!" cries the Para " Of all the people I've met I didn't think you would lie to me, thats's a bloody Royal Marine out there!"
" I didn't lie to you" replies St Peter, "That's not a Royal Marine that's god, he just thinks he's one!"

===============================================

The other night I was invited out for a night with the 'girls.' I told my husband that I would be home by midnight, 'I promise!' Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easily. Around 3 a.m., a bit loaded, I headed for home. Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hallway started up and cuckooed three times! Quickly, realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another nine times. I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution, in order to escape a possible conflict with him. (Even when totally smashed... three cuckoos plus nine cuckoos totals 12 cuckoos--MIDNIGHT!) The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, I told him 'MIDNIGHT.' He didn't seem pissed off in the least. Whew, I got away with that one! Then he said, 'We need a new cuckoo clock.' When I asked him why, he said, Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said, 'Oh, *text deleted**text deleted*!' then it cuckooed four more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another three times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the coffee table and farted.
 
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